Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Jogging
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.