“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.