My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My what?
Looking at you, Jesus.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.