If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I like donuts.
Twitter:
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.