MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.