I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.