Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
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Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…