Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
You Might Also Like
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My flabber has been gasted.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.