This is a bad idea on so many levels.
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That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁