6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.