It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

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A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever


One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos


Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.


If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.


*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!


If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it


Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.


Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER: k-i-m


As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..