It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)