In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
pat pat
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote