my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Birds & Planes.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Bring back the McRib
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.