Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
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If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
and this one
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.