Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank