My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.