Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
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being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE