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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!