“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
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My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
There’s only one good girl here!
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
honestly, i need both:
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*