“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out