@WickedRapunzel

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

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@ColoradoUgly

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

@AngryRaccoon2

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

@dmc1138

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

@withanewname

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*