EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs