@bornmiserable

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

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@KeetPotato

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

@Smooheed

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

@ddsmidt

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

@joeljeffrey

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

@OllyiConic

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

@mattbooshell

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

@SharkJelly

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army