Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
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Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
*puts words between two asterisks*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.