“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.