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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Perfect.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer