[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.