Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Home #decor warning.
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Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
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Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
when you are just born a rebel
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“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.