boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
You Might Also Like
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks