Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
CUTE CAT‼︎
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.