My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
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Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I never needed anything more in my life
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses