@fro_vo [god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
@cherryzigzags I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
You Might Also Like
@fro_vo 
@PaperWash Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
@wimittu @DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
@ThisOneSayz Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
@T_N_Crumpets Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
@CoatCzech 1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
@StinkyGr33n What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
@BobGolen TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
@rablivingstone In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
@DanMentos “We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”