@cherryzigzags

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

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@fro_vo

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

@PaperWash

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

@wimittu

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

@ThisOneSayz

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

@T_N_Crumpets

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

@CoatCzech

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

@StinkyGr33n

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

@BobGolen

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

@rablivingstone

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

@DanMentos

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”