APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Blew out my flip flop…
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!