Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Guys, I found it.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.