At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”