Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t