Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
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I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself