If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.