I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
🤣could you imagine
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I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
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Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
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I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.