I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
You Might Also Like
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The three genders.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot