I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.