Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.