I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.