My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
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Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
We need to put an American base on the sun
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
can’t wait til they legalize outside
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*