[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Britain be like
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.