Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
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[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.