Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet