Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You Might Also Like
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Kermit goes Blue.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
LOL!
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
This anagram machine is out of order.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.