learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?