chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
You Might Also Like
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth