Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
The best shot in the history of golf
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.