Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
You Might Also Like
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday