Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
He took my last fry, your honor
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.