I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.![]()
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If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Lmfaoooooo
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek