I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
How can I say no to this ?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
A great tip. #CakeRex
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
Map: I have a boyfriend
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime